UM YES! As long as you don’t call me 2 days after I buy a ticket to tell me you don’t want to be friends anymore. Lol. Can I laugh about this yet?
and just like that, everything is gone. No saved voicemails, no pictures, no texts. I know that seems harsh, but I don’t want to wallow. Now I feel free. Now if only I could get my heart back. That’d be nice.
Thanks Laura. I’m still going to be coming to Oklahoma in Sept. So if you haven’t moved away yet I would love to see you!!! I mean I’m more upset with myself for letting someone that close to me. I should have known better.
I dont’ like purging my life of the things that once made me feel good. But I have to delete the pictures and the texts, and the voicemails now or they’ll just rot and I’ll regret it later. I’m starting to regret every permanent thing I ever gave her. I don’t actually regret it. I wanted her to have something permanent to think of me about. But I don’t know, I sort of want those things back so she can’t think about me anymore. I don’t want to be in her mind. I don’t want her to think about me or say my name. But I also don’t want those things back because I don’t want to see them and think of her. I don’t want to think about her. I don’t want to say her name. I want the last four months of us together to just vanish. I don’t want to have “learned something.” I just want to get my dignity back. This is the problem with loving someone. You spend so much time building yourself up. You build these walls so that you feel safe. And then all of these people try to tear down those walls and you get stronger. Then you find someone and you know you shouldn’t, but you let them in. They don’t have to scale the wall you open the front door. And then they burn it down from the inside out. That’s the problem. Now all of the people that I told I was so happy, I have to wait for them to ask, and then I have to tell them that “it didn’t work out.” But what I really mean is that I didn’t work out. I am scorched earth. And the worst part is, I let them in. It’s my fault. I should have known better. And the worst part is, she’s an amazing person. I’l never stop thinking that. And that’s why I don’t want to remember her. Because if I hated her at least I could get over it. But because I loved her, she’s stuck inside my heart. And I can’t tell her this. I don’t want to hear her voice. I don’t want to see her face. Because I will only think amazing things only to be reminded how hurt I am. And now I have to go through all of the voicemails I saved and hear how much she said she cared about me, only to know that those things are all past-tense. And that she doesn’t care about me anymore. And she says she can reconcile all of these feelings because breaking up was the right thing to do. I’m glad she’s at peace, because I’m torn up. I’m tattered. And I have to lie to her and say I’m fine when I’m not. I guess the walls have to be higher and thicker this time.
I guess it’s better to know that the person you cared about more than anything in the world doesn’t want to be with you than I don’t know, losing a limb. I’m just aiming for some perspective here.
I don’t think I can let anyone else in like that. I didn’t before and there was a reason.